Stephen Colbert cleverly shared a story about the proposed health secretary nominee who apparently used to create a peculiar concoction of baby chicks and mice to nourish his pet hawks. He jested that disputes within the Kennedy clan usually find resolution on the croquet fields of Nantucket, followed by a feast of oysters and gin, and the signing of non-disclosure agreements. The nominee nominated by President Trump for the role of health secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., attended a session with the Senate Finance Committee this Wednesday. During this session, he fielded questions about his stance on vaccines, abortion, and infant garments produced by a nonprofit organization with anti-vaccination leanings that he founded back in 2016.
Colbert humorously commented, ‘Should you find yourself anxious at the prospect of RFK Jr. taking on the role of our health secretary, there’s a good chance you could be kin to him.’ This comment referred to Caroline Kennedy’s letter and the video she published, which pleads with the Senate to deny her cousin’s candidacy, citing his lack of qualifications and his predatory nature. Additionally, there were pulpy anecdotes suggesting that he derived enjoyment from blending baby chicks and mice into hawk chow. She found such behavior distasteful and inhumane, saying that it disqualified him from taking on a role at Health and Human Services, as well as Jamba Juice. Colbert also questioned why RFK Jr. needed to create blended feeds for his hawks, huffing that they are capable of gulping down preys as they come, because they do not possess Nutribullets for mid-flight snacking.
‘He created a mix of baby chicks and mice to feed his hawks,’ said Colbert and then expressed surprise that not one of the 27 senators present in the finance committee probed about this at the hearing. Not one. Our society has reached the stage where even bizarre tidbits about potential cabinet members, such as one of them creating miniature smoothies for Stuart Little, don’t get attention. Colbert mentioned the amusing possibility of a man crushing baby chicks and mice into smoothies and joked that women might find it less appealing than a man swapping stories about his college dorm room adventures with a guitar at hand.
‘Now, I am unsure whether her statement will carry any weight because, at the end of the day, blending food is normal for feeding a hawk. Upon looking into their nests, you will find a small NutriBullet.’ Colbert also humorously suggested officials should check if there were any animal carcasses anywhere in the U.S., as RFK Jr. might be implicated. ‘I suppose that sheds light on him not landing the job at Jamba Juice.’
‘Just another peculiar day at Washington, where a man with scepticism towards medical science could possibly be appointed as the guardian of medical science.’ Colbert satirically remarked, ‘Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, was scrutinized today by the Senate Finance Committee. In a related update, the Senate Finance Committee has just been diagnosed with rubella.’
‘Yes indeed, RFK Jr. underwent testings, and ended up getting a positive reading for everything.’