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Cocaine Discovered at the White House Embarrasses Biden Administration

Security Compromised: Cocaine Discovery in the Heart of the US Government

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An insider confirmed on Wednesday that the substance unearthed at the White House over the weekend has tested positive for cocaine. Initial on-site tests indicated the presence of the powerful stimulant, however, more rigorous laboratory analysis was pursued by the Secret Service for absolute certainty.

The strange powder was located close to the main entry point to the West Wing, the administrative hub of the United States government. An area frequented by guided tours of curious visitors and dutiful staff on their way into the nerve-center of the powerful building, as reported by conservative news outlets.

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Usually, as protocol dictates, prior to entering the transcendent halls of the West Wing, visitors are required to surrender their mobile devices. The substance, described as a white powder, was found in a small enclosure and, notably, close to this cellphone surrender point.

The discovery by astute Secret Service personnel was during a routine check of the premises. This immediate and necessary find provoked a brief and precautionary evacuation.

The Secret Service echoed this sentiment, describing the quick decision to vacate as ‘precautionary closures’ in response to the unsettling finding.

While the incident unfolded, President Joe Biden was safely away from the capital for the weekend at Camp David. He returned to the White House undisturbed on Tuesday morning.

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The concerned officials are now launching a full-scale investigation to understand how cocaine found its way into such a prestigious and highly secured establishment.

Regular visitors to the West Wing, often at night or during weekends, generally include a variety of individuals taking elaborate tours, guided by White House workers. In order to gain clearance into the White House, everyone is subjected to comprehensive security screening measures.

Following this mandatory scrutiny, guests are instructed to place their electronic devices into small specially allotted fixtures, prior to proceeding into the West Wing.

Interestingly, the cocaine was found adjacent to these secure receptacles, as stated by the officials present at the discovery.

Michigan-born Secret Service spokesperson, Anthony Guglielmi, had previously communicated that the local D.C. fire department had examined the situation. Their conclusion was that the white powder, found within a ‘workplace vicinity of the West Wing,’ posed no immediate peril.

Echoing this insight, with a spotlight on public relations, the same Secret Service representative, Guglielmi, emphasized that the D.C. fire department indicated that the mysterious substance – discovered within a ‘work area of the West Wing,’ – was not a direct risk.

Following the identification of an ‘unclassified object’ late on Sunday by the U.S. Secret Service, the White House grounds were briskly and prudently emptied of people. Circumflex roads around the President’s official residence were blocked by Secret Service contingents while the DC Fire Department hazmat team swept in to appraise the situation.

After the situation was analyzed and deemed ‘non-hazardous,’ the blockades were consequently lifted, as confirmed by the spokesperson. ‘Our Uniform Division Officers identified an unknown object within the White House complex.

As a precaution, we evacuated the grounds and had the DC Fire Department’s Hazmat team respond,’ an agent of USSS informed the media.

Striking a tone of official reassurance, Anthony Guglielmi chimed on his Twitter account, ‘precautionary closures ensued following the detection of an unknown item by uniformed personnel.’

These measures would soon be revoked, since the item in question was cleared as non-threatening, as he detailed in a following post.

Earlier news suggested three businesses in the D.C. vicinity were devastated on Sunday morning. The D.C. Metropolitan Police Department statement sought public assistance in identifying alleged culprits and an associated vehicle in relation to these offenses of private property destruction, making it a day of trauma for the capital.

The press release further detailed the series of disturbing offenses starting from approximately 4:30 am: explosive detonations at an ATM outside Truist Bank, in front of the Nike Store, and a horrifying Molotov cocktail-style attack on a closed Safeway store.

Thankfully, due to the early hours, no injuries were reported as the establishments were temporarily shut.

These establishments, including a Safeway supermarket, a Nike outlet, and a Truist Bank, surprisingly located just a few streets from the Capitol and the U.S. Supreme Court buildings, were the targeted victims, all incidents curiously timed only 15-minutes apart.

This ‘attack on business,’ as labeled by authorities, resulted in no human casualties, but intended to scare, sending a shockwave through the quiet early morning streets of the government district.

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